Joe Hockey (North Sydney, Liberal Party, Shadow Treasurer) Share this | Hansard source

Funny you should say that! I got old Swanny Economics for Dummies. It has an Australian introduction by Lindsay Tanner which starts with the words, ‘With some frustration I welcome this authoritative guide for my Labor colleagues.’ But I would not leave it just to one book. As the Treasurer is so concerned about the Greens at the moment, I did a little search on Amazon.com and I came up with a new copy of Tom Gorman’s authoritative text, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Economics. It is on sale for $12.89. In fact, I am not giving it to him. It is to be for the Greens as an authoritative text on economics. And do you know what? It also has an introduction by Lindsay Tanner which says: ‘With some frustration I welcome this authoritative guide for my Greens colleagues.’

But what would you give the Minister for Foreign Affairs? I am sure that with the help of the Leader of the Opposition we could give him a signed copy of Lazarus, because beating in the bosom of the Minister for Foreign Affairs is the hope that just one day he can do what his predecessor did and come back from the dead and lead his political party. But, not to be outdone with the Christmas cheer, we have the Assistant Treasurer to consider. I was rather hoping the Assistant Treasurer, Bill Shorten, would be here. I thought, what would you give the Assistant Treasurer? What would Santa Claus give the Assistant Treasurer for Christmas? I thought there was only one thing you would give the Assistant Treasurer and that would be something from Peter’s of Kensington, not Ken’s of Kensington. I found a six-piece Grosvenor Bisteca steak knife set. When I looked up the sale value of it, I saw this:

Looking for the kind of cutlery that makes a statement?

Even though Grosvenor has been making beautiful, quality cutlery since 1928, they’re not stuffy and dull … far from it, actually! You’ll love the fresh, modern, funky designs Grosvenor has to offer. They’re not at all ordinary …

Our Bill’s not ordinary! It continues:

When it comes to steak, sometimes your average knife just won’t cut it.

But wait, there’s more. We cannot leave the four horsemen of the apocalypse out of it: Senator Mark Arbib, Senator David Feeney, Paul Howse—we will get to him in a minute—and Senator Don Farrell. I will start with Senator Arbib. What would you give him? Well, Senator Arbib likes knives, not just at the Golden Century in Sussex Street. He is someone who is an avid reader, particularly of polls. When it comes to Christmas cheer, Santa, my colleagues and I would like to give him a copy of Toby Young’s How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. In fact, he could have been the co-author of that one. You can buy it on Amazon for $6. But, not to be outdone, you would ask, ‘What would you give the other faceless men: Senator Feeney, Senator Farrell and Paul Howse?’ I believe they deserve a facial from the Ella Bache College of Skin and Beauty Therapy in North Sydney. I am prepared to chip in. It says:

Radiance Intensive Eye Express Facial Treatment

A gentle massage and botanical peel-off mask make this the ultimate anti-ageing treatment for puffiness, dark circles and fine lines.

And do you know what? That is only $28 for 45 minutes. So far I have been operating within a budget, which is what the coalition does; we operate within a budget. But, hang on, there’s one more.

It has been NBN week in this place, hasn’t it? I thought to myself: what would you give Senator Stephen Conroy, the minister for communicating confusion?

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